Being from Baltimore, I've experienced a lot of events that caused me to not only grow up quickly and develop a tough exterior but, also caused me to become blind to the person I was created to be. Not knowing who I was in Christ led me down a path riddled with unhealthy decisions, and it also prevented me from experiencing God's love and thriving in the life He created me to live.
If "angry black woman" was a person, it would've been me. For most of my life, there was not a person I was not willing to cuss all the way out! I always knew I had a good heart, I just figured if I gave you glimpses of my "pop-off" then you would make every attempt not to hurt me to avoid my wrath. I guess you could say my defense mechanism was to scare you into loving me! Needless to say, this method was a failure and I quickly realized that I couldn't love nor scare anyone into loving me! Boy was this lesson painful!
They say there is no way to truly experience the love of God and stay the same. In 2014, I began seeking to experience God's love and although I still made bad relational choices, I SLOWLY began to change. I emphasize slowly because, between me and you, there have been many a day when I wished I could just wave a magic wand and have arrived at destiny! But God is a God of process and although I wish He would just throw me in a Ninja Foodie, He seems to prefer the Sloooooooow Cooker!
Without boring you with the details of my looooog process, I will just tell you that through the Holy Spirit, I have stopped taking pride in my ability to "pop off" and I've also started to realize that "vulnerability" isn't a bad word! Who knew that if I trusted Holy Spirit to reveal the right people with whom to be vulnerable, I'd spend much less time being scared to open up? Weird, right?! God also showed me that pain is not only love but pain is unavoidable! I have wasted alllllllllll these years trying to avoid pain when the ultimate act of love was Jesus dying an excruciating death because He loves lil ol' me! If you're a mother like me, I think you'd agree that our children were born through the pain of labor! Dead things don't feel, pain means you're alive! I just had to learn who and what was worth my pain.
So today, I write these words, not as some astounding woman who has life all figured out and has become the epitome of perfected faith. I am not even that interesting, my favorite things to do are eating, sleeping, and shopping online! I'm just a woman who has resolved to live my life on purpose and in purpose. I am determined to end the cycle of brokenness, break the generational curse of dysfunction in my family and make the pain of my past matter but not define me! I am healing from trauma! I am living with purpose! I AM H.E.R!
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